Everyone understands that there are more or less identifiable blocks of voters who act somewhat monolithically based on their pet issues: pro or anti-abortion voters, racial bigots or chauvinists, superstition-based voters and so on. Little is said, however, about a most likely larger block that does not necessarily have one pet issue, but many fast-changing easily manufactured issues, but is still identifiable; I’m talking about the Stupid Voters.
In past years Stupid Voters have voted on the basis of their belief that Iraqis or Saddam Hussein was behind 9-11; or that tax cuts for the rich without corresponding spending cuts would never come back to haunt them in their middle class lives; that gay marriage somehow poses a threat to heterosexual marriage; and many other totally unsupported beliefs. Flag burning, adultery, teaching evolution instead of Creationism in classrooms, and the nominal religious beliefs of a candidate are stupid issues that Stupid Voters do take seriously; the justifications for war, reducing poverty, eliminating government sanctioned torture and civil rights are the kinds of issues that do not interest Stupid Voters.
Stupid Voters want to believe the worst about someone who does not seem to be as stupid as they are. In the 2000 campaign for the nomination, Stupid Voters were told just before the South Carolina primary that John McCain had had an illegitimate black child; this is just the kind of thing that Stupid Voters really care about; the result was that George W. Bush won that state and changed the momentum of the whole nominating process. In 2004 the stupid election story to voters was that John Kerry’s heroics in Viet Nam were bogus. The rest is stupid history, all courtesy of Stupid Voters.
Stupid Voters also are eager to denounce any verbal slip-up by a candidate or candidate’s spouse (e.g.: Michelle Obama’s statement, "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country.") who opposes their dogmatic position, while totally overlooking far more stupid statements by those with no such leanings (e.g.: GW Bush saying, “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and so do we.")
Another thing that Stupid Voters are prone to is belief in conspiracies. In the past Stupid Voters have believed in a UN takeover of the US at the end of the last millennia; that the Clintons killed Vince Foster; that the Jews and/or the Bush Administration planned 9-11 with a cooperating bin Laden; and that “everything happens for a reason.”
So what are this election cycle’s most important stupid issues that will be used to attract the Stupid Voter?
Unsurprisingly, extreme dogmatism, often religious in nature, seems to always be front and center in pursuit of the Stupid Voter.
Religious opposition to gay marriage is a stupid issue that has still not run its course. It is undoubted that this stupid issue will be used to galvanize those opposed to this improvement in the life of gay Americans even though no quantifiable harm would result to anyone else. Many Stupid Voters cannot bring themselves to support an elected official who might show some display of kindness toward gays.
Dogmatic Stupid Voters are also desperately concerned about the authenticity of the supernatural beliefs of candidates. Is Mitt Romney a real Christian? This is, of course, more important to Stupid Voters than Mr. Romney’s ability to balance a budget or successfully negotiate the end game in Iraq.
But it is clear that the most important stupid story and issue of the upcoming campaign, if Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, is the stupid expose of his past; “Is Barack Hussein Obama” a stealth Muslim?”
As almost everyone knows, an email claiming that Obama is a radical Muslim has been making the rounds of many inboxes. Here is a sample of this email:
“Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHEIST from Wichita, Kansas. Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii.
When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia.
When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocated to Indonesia.
Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a Catholic school.
Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that, "He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school." Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that he is not a radical.
Obama's introduction to Islam came via his father, and this influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon after the divorce, and never again had any direct influence over his son's education.
Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham, introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta. Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attemptto downplay his Muslim background. ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran.
Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegiance nor will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches.
Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential candidacy.
The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the United States, one of their own!!!! (End email.)
The perpetrators of this email even include the internet address of Snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/muslim.asp), the famous debunking site, which in fact entirely debunks this email, based on the smart assumption that Stupid Voters will not actually bother to go to Snopes.com and check it out!
But this is not the stupidest of the stupid!
The right-wing Drudge Report, as is typical, printed a photo of Barack Obama dressed, well, sort of, like a Muslim; their “cherry on top” was their most likely bogus attribution to the Clinton Campaign for the “anonymous leak” of this picture.
But not all of those who seek to woo the Stupid Vote choose to remain anonymous.
In late February, 2008, Conservative Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham was asked to warm up the crowd for John McCain at a rally, and that he did. According to the LA Times, the radio host told the crowd he'd had a dream about "Barack Hussein Obama's wonderful life a year from today." In the dream, he said, Obama was president and had just met with Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and was set to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. Then, Cunningham said, Obama was going to "saddle up next to Hezbollah."
"All's going to be right with the world when the great prophet from Chicago takes the stand, and the world leaders who want to kill us will simply be singing [Kumbaya] together around the table with Barack Obama," Cunningham continued.
To his credit, Republican candidate John McCain repudiated these remarks immediately. Apparently since McCain has not been the favorite of Stupid Voters in the past, he has some courage in this regard.
But McCain’s call for a respectful campaign did not sit well with the Stupid Voters and their leaders. Here is some repartee between Alan Colmes and Bill Cunningham on FoxNews just after the incident:
Colmes: Let me point out that on your radio — what you're ignoring, Bill, is on your radio show didn't you call him Barack Hussein Mohammed Obama?
Cunningham: Well, I did call him that once, because Mohammed is the greatest prophet of God according to...
Colmes: I see. So why did you add a name that wasn't his name? Now you're acting like, "I just said his name." You didn't do that. You actually inserted the name "Mohammed" to his name. Why did you do that?
Cunningham: I believed at the time that his confirmation and one of his names was Mohammed, and I rescinded the statement. I said Barack Hussein Obama.
COLMES: I see…
Mohammed a confirmation name? Only stupid person would believe that! In other words, GREAT IDEA!
Bill Cunningham then indicated that he intended to support – Hillary Clinton!
So here is where we are in the 2008 race for the Stupid Vote: there are actually those who seriously are going to attempt to sway voters based on the middle name of one of the candidates.
And it is guaranteed that this will work to a stupidly amazing degree.